In this episode Nicolas continues to struggle with reality. In the process they come to the realization that they are an agnostic fatalist. A combination that’s less than desirable and somewhat illogical.
Sleep has been more prevalent in my life lately. Sleeping is one of my last resort coping skills. I’ve reached a stage of true micro functionality. My energy is fading.
When I do set upon an activity it is very short lived. Starting a flight only to hit pause or starting to write only to let it collect dust on drive.
I have things I need to be doing.
Being ever cognizant of the fragility of my safety net, I now foresee the eminent failure of the safety net. This possible reality is sobbing and should spring me into quick and decisive action. But, when cornered and out of options I become paralyzed.
Support and validation is proving hard to come by. My thoughts are growing darker and darker.
So many don’t see the stark realities and dismiss my thinking. When will they wake up? More importantly for me, how much can I safely share?
The most practical questions I am asking myself: What conditions are worth enduring? What constitutes a “deal breaker”? When do you make a call?
There is an eerie quiet in the apartment this evening. A noticeable lack of the sounds of a virtual jet off to a far off place. Unlike many, I always keep my sound on when simming. I landed an A321 in Sacramento a few hours ago. Although I could have flown back east again, I decided to call it quits for a while to let myself rest, pause and reflect.
Despite heading to bed and falling into a light sleep while listening to Skyfaring, I now find myself wide awake once more. Thinking and finding that I need to distract myself with something.
Under quarantine flight sim has become my life. Even more so than usual. I started my day, if you could call it that, with the 777 and a morning departure out of Johannesburg bound for JFK. Even with Orbx Global, the virtual African landscape isn’t much to look at. Wish I had the new openlc. The virtual Atlantic, of course, is a little better. I was going to cross The Atlantic and make my way home a day ago. On approach to Lisbon, though, I had glanced out at The Atlantic and thought, “No, Not Today.” So, I took a long detour through Johannesburg. Oh the things we do to ourselves.
I took some liberties with realism and lumped the two crew rest periods together. With auto cruise on I was able to sleep for a good portion of the rest period. When Alexia’s chime sounded I muttered snooze a few times. More liberties with reality. Despite the long leg and poor sleep the touch down on rwy 22l in JFK was smooth and I made a controlled exit at my intended highspeed. And, with that my 5,000 hour on projectFly was logged.
But, time zones being what they are, 6pm on The Eastcoast is 3pm for in my real world west coast location. Too early for real sleep. Thus, after a few short hours napping and scrolling the ever traumatic land of social media I found myself in the 321 trying and failing to avoid the worst of the weather west of JFK.
So, I hit the 5k mark and just kept flying. And, so long as I can, I’ll just keep flying. In these times it’s just about all I can do.
In this episode Nicolas attempts to process the latest events in their life under continued quarantine. A piece of writing Nicolas is working on along with their finances and the imminent release of Microsoft Flight Simulator (2020) has given Nicolas pause. Could this be an opportunity to hang up the headset? Sadly, at this level of addiction, Nicolas suspects not. But, with their continued fs addiction in mind Nicolas is at least thinking critically about their addictive behavior. Other topics include getting along with people, reflecting on the past and trying not to dwell on podcast download statistics.
In this episode Nicolas talks about the psychological impacts they are facing after several months in almost perfect quarantine. Nicolas puts a particular focus on their addictions (flight sim, soda and cigarettes) and how being in quarantine makes fighting these addictions particularly challenging. Lastly, Nicolas laments their lack of active activism and debates attending a 4th of July gathering.
I want to say something. But I don’t know what to say. I want to do something. But I don’t know what to do. I want to leverage what privilege I have. But I don’t know how. And, truth be told, in all this good intention the end result doesn’t amount to a hill of beans. For, being a white person of privilege who appears male. My voice is not one to be heard in this time and place. I should be silent. I should yield. Not self indulge in my precious feelings of gold. Yet here I indulge again. Here I feel a righteous anger that I should have known all along. I shall not forage the path ahead. That is for others. For I cannot comprehend a path when all I have taken all I have known. Lead to the very same place. The podium of an out of touch silver tongued politician bent on the law of obstruction. That is not a path to take. So shut up now. Take a seat. Listen and listen well to those in the know.